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Wardrobe Malfunction by JamesE82 Wardrobe Malfunction by JamesE82
Battlefield Wardrobe Malfunction
by JamesE82


Right after Olga 'n me took care of that Nazi business, I knew I had to get outta the city. It wasn't that I'd wailed on someone who didn't exactly deserve it, mind you, and just how mucha what I gave her was undeserved is debatable, if you ask me. What I didn't like was how chummy we were gettin'. I mean me, the Crimson Conservative, havin' the champion of the godless, murderous ideology that's killed millions and nearly got America nuked, me havin' her at my mercy, and not finishin' the job? I had her stomped halfway into the concrete, and what did I do? Uhg, where's my Jack?

That's better. So I let the Communist go... what's that? Well yeah, I'm here at her wedding--she invited me! Huh? Well, I guess she recognizes a true superheroine when she sees one, and knows that me tryin' to kill her all those times wasn't nothin' personal. Yeah, I also tried to kill her on this island... you gonna let me tell my story or not?

I needed a break, time to relax, you know? So as soon as I can I head to Afghanistan, and end up not too far from Jalalabad--yeah, Jalalabad, can you believe the goofy names they come up with over there? I figured that if things got slow, I'd head over the Khyber Pass into Pakistan and see what was what. Well, things didn't get slow; the convoy I was gettin' a ride from--uh, this is all unofficial, got me? This company, who shall remain nameless, took one look at me and the commander wanted me around. The area was poppin', lotsa explosions a ways off, and we were headed in that direction, with not too much air support in our future, based on what the radio was reporting. Can ya blame him for wantin' me to tag along? Dame like me comes in handy in a nasty situation, and after the roadside bomb hit, yeah, things got nasty...

Long story short, I'd just emptied my M61 Vulcan--that's a Gatling gun, if ya don't know. It's made by General Electric, who I'm no fan of, with that puke Jeff Imelt doin' all that business with Iran, and Ecomagination? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? But the lead I sent flyin' did the job just fine. Not the greatest Gatling I've ever fired, no sir, but there's a couple dozen Taliban in "Paradise" right now who'd tell ya it did the trick that day. My bottle's empty, and no, I don't want any more of that Elvin Blood, or whatever Al's handin' out!

Anyway, the men are cheerin' and whoopin' it up, and just as I'm takin' a bow, boom! I get some muscle spasms in my back, except I see a shadow goin' over me at the same time, and I realize someone's jumped over me! Me! Even takin' a bow, your average fella just can't do that! I straighten up and look at the guy, who's landed about twenty feet in front of me.

Now, it was headed towards nightfall, and all the smoke was mixin' in the dying light to make the sky get that piss-look to it. Like that Mountain Dew Republicat's always drinking. Republicat? She's my roommate back home; likes sweet soda and that Starbuck's puke. Anyway, right off I can see this Arab's got a blade that ain't glowin' because it's catching the sunlight, it's glowin' because the guy's one of those Ahibaz freaks. Ahibaz? They call themselves that 'cause it's Zabiha backwards, and Zabiha means how those losers have to slaughter their animals or something. I'm an American, what do I care how some camel jockey slaughters his goat before he eats it? Well, in this case, I guess it's important, 'cause the Zabiha thing says you've gotta kill the animal you're gonna eat nice 'n quick--they treat their animals better'n they treat their women... you ever see a dame get stoned to death because she wouldn't have sex with her husband? Where's that fuckin' wine Bardak's giving away...

All right, that's better. Yeah, those Ahibaz have knives that're blessed by demons, and these assassins have powers as long as they only kill infidels the opposite of the Zabiha way. They like to make it slow, and right now, I'm lookin' at one of 'em right in front of me, and the Vulcan in my hand is empty. What? Of course I was only holdin' it with one hand, it's just a Gatling gun! Only a gun that's empty ain't really a gun, it's a hunk of metal, so I put the hunk to good use and throw it at the little freak, and what does he do? He beats everything by jumpin' into the air, pushin' offa the damn thing as it was flyin' towards him, and coming at me! I duck, but again, I get more slices in my back, and now I feel the blood coming. Yeah, don't tell no one, but the Muslim-magic in his blade was scratchin' me--nothing bad, mind you, but enough to break my skin, which is sayin' something!

I yell at the boys to let me handle this, and make it clear that while the gentlemanly thing would be to help a dame out in this situation, I'm one dame who don't want it. So they stay back and start roarin' like the crowd at Ebbets Field when the Dodgers--oops, showin' my age there. When did they move to California? Anyway, with the soldiers cheerin' me on, I decide to put on a show, ya know? I figure I'll shoot the hoodoo blade outta the hajji's hand, box him for a while, then finish him off with a fancy wrestlin' move; fold him in half and then crumple him up, ya know? So I pull this Desert Eagle out, turn, and start to take aim, when kerblooey!

You know what that son of a bitch Ahibaz did? He couldn't even die right, and he took a fine firearm with him, to boot! Just as I'm bringing my gun up he lunges, and lunges blade-first. Picture that a minute, and now think on the odds of the tip of that bastard's blade stickin' right into the barrel of my Eagle! So that's the end of him, the end of my gun, and the end of the fight. I'm damn disappointed, but the fellas are cheerin', so I turn and start to take another bow, but suddenly feel that somethin' ain't right. This may sound funny, what with it bein' Arabia and the sun ain't down yet, but I feel a bit chilly, and as I'm bendin' to show my gratitude to the audience, I can tell I don't have the, um, support I usually do... in the chest area.

Yeah, there I am, standin' in front of the entire convoy, bare-titted! Nothin' on me from the waist up 'cept some road dust and the residue from my gun exploding in my hand! Turns out the slices from the Ahibaz's blade and the blast from the Eagle was enough to finish my tank top. I tell ya, if I thought they were cheerin' me before, now it was like... why hell, it was like a pack of horny soldiers were gettin' an eye full of my goods, 'cause that's just what they were doin'! For a second I'm self-conscious, as I'm a modest dame, ya know? Then I figure there's no harm; I was gonna put on a show anyway, but the hajji dyin' so quick canceled that performance, so I took my hands down...

After a while they got me a new top; this huge guy, a former college wrestling champion, musta been six-foot eight, he gives me the tank top he was wearin'. Damn tight fit, but do you think they had a problem with that? Me? Of course not, I was havin' a blast! The only problem was, I smelled like that cheap Axe man-perfume for the rest of the day. Well, there was another problem, too... did you know that some of those pocket-telephones... cell phones, that's right. Some of those cell phones have cameras built into 'em? Well, if you wanna picture to go along with my story, head to that pervert interweb place, the Angel Falls babe-watch one...

So after that I kick around the region for a while, and eventually cause enough of a ruckus that some generals say I oughta take off. They say it appreciative-like, but I can tell the heat's comin' down on 'em, and I figure a couple thousand dead Pashtun pussies is enough for--what's that? Well, I lost count after a while, but yeah, I figure I took care of about two-thousand of 'em in under a week... why? That wine gettin' to you?

You're lookin' like I did when I got back and found Olga's wedding invitation waitin' for me, kinda peaked, ya know?

--The End--

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

An example of what one may hear when speaking to the Crimson Conservative at a social function. An appropriate story for a wedding? Perhaps not, but what else does she have to talk about? Pretty tame for her, when you think about it...

Well, I did it again, just sat down and typed a story (or a scene, rather) as it came to me. :shrug: First time I added a story to go along with a picture, too. I almost said "little" story, but Connie can go on, can't she? Anyway, I felt that Supro's amazing picture deserved something to go along with it, and is it just me, or does Connie look good dirty? ;P

:iconsupro3d: outdid himself in the creation of this picture, and made Connie look both hot and cute at the same time, something that is hard enough to do with a regular woman, and a much more difficult task when my girl is the subject. :clap: Head over to his page if you want a very affordable piece of artwork for yourself.
:iconangel-fallsda: is where Connie told this tale of bullets and boobs, during the wedding reception of :iconsoviet-superwoman:'s Olga and :iconteri-minx:'s Maia. :iconatomskmaster6: owns "Al," better known as General Bardak, who provided "Elvin" wine to the party... or at least that's what Connie thinks he called it. I wrote this story, and the Crimson Conservative is (c) 2009 to me.

Comments welcome, even if it's to lament the soldier with the cell phone's good taste in only posting that PG-13 picture of Connie...
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:iconartadmirer1-75th:
ArtAdmirer1-75th Featured By Owner May 10, 2015
:worship: Supro3D :worship: Soviet-Superwoman :worship: Teri-Minx's Maia :worship: AtomsKMaster6 :worship: JamesE82 :clap: :salute:
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:iconbonbons111:
bonbons111 Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2014
interrogation room... NOW 
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:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2014

ConnieGetsSassy by JamesE82:iconsaysplz:It takes more than what ya got to break a bitch like me, honey.


Thanks for the comment. ;)

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:iconscruffyronin:
scruffyronin Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2011  Professional General Artist
Hehe, nice.
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:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2011
Isn’t it? :iconboing-plz: Thanks for commenting!
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:iconscruffyronin:
scruffyronin Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2011  Professional General Artist
:thumbsup::thumbsup:
Reply
:iconsummertime-killer:
summertime-killer Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2010
:iconhartmanplz: :iconsaysplz: Connie, I don't care how gorgeous those gazungas are, YOU WILL PUT A COVER ON!!!!!! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR??????!!!!!!!!!!
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:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2010
:iconbigbossplz::iconsaysplz:And they used to call me Naked Snake…
Reply
:iconsummertime-killer:
summertime-killer Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2010
:icontakeiplz: :iconsaysplz: Oh my. No comment. Oh wait, :giggle: that is a comment!
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:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2010
:iconpicardplz::iconsaysplz:This is just like the final episode of my show, where I was stuck going back and forth through time… I swear this has happened before.
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:iconzenx007:
zenx007 Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2010
Whoops...there dey IS!:lol:
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:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2010
Connie: “Say, ain’t that from a song? Anyway, glad ya like me almost showin’ my good stuff to the whole damn world!”
Reply
:iconandrewr255:
andrewr255 Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2010
Connie looking embarrassed and perhaps shy, now that is rare!
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:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2010
Connie: “Hey, I’m a classy broad who don’t go flashin’ her good stuff to just anybody, you know! Still, I can‘t blame you for enjoyin‘ the show.”

Thanks for the comment; it seems that a lot of people like seeing that Connie is capable of being caught off guard. :nod:
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:iconandrewr255:
andrewr255 Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2010
In the battle of the Malfunction: Connie 1 Janet 0
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:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2010
Good one--it took me a while to get it! :laughing:
Reply
:iconknight3000:
Knight3000 Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Lol I like the story. Yes it wasn`t good to tell at the reception, But really, WHO`s gonna complain?!
Her raw humor is great and it really SHOULDN`T surprise her losing her tank top like that!
Awesome render by Supro
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:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2010
I think Connie is funniest when she isn’t trying to be funny--it’s her unusual take on things that I think does it. And yes, Supro produced a great piece of work. :nod: Thanks a lot for the comment and the fave!
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:iconknight3000:
Knight3000 Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thats one of the things that make her awesome! That and her smokin` bod!
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:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2010
:blushes:
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:iconknight3000:
Knight3000 Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Seems Connie always manages to lose a piece of clothing here and there much like U1trawoman!
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:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2010
What, are you complaining? Just kidding--clothing loss is simply an occupational hazard when it comes to being a superheroine, and the Crimson Conservative is no exception. :nod: If you ask me, Ultra is a bit more of an exhibitionist, however…
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:iconknight3000:
Knight3000 Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Ohh I`m not complaining ANYTHING but! I agree 100%!
Yes Ultra IS an exhibitionist. (Just keep it between us!)
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:iconlonestranger:
LoneStranger Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Too funny.

:bulletgreen:Polygirl:bulletgreen: A cell phone threw you off? You probably wouldn't like it in my lab then, it's confusing to most people.
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:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2010
Connie: “Okay, those little gizmos’re called cell phones, I get it! I’m still tryin’ to get used to telephones that ain’t rotary!

Connie’s not really that upset, and she enjoyed her talk with Polygirl at the wedding. Glad you liked the story/picture, and thank you for the fave!
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:iconlonestranger:
LoneStranger Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Imagine Connie going into Polygirl's lab...or seeing her when her second pair of arms isn't being obscured. ;)

(I had her put devices on her lower arms to hide them for the wedding)
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:iconatomskmaster6:
atomskmaster6 Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2010
VERY BRILLIANT WORK!! Nice Story, maybe if she had more Blood wine, she could tell ore stories like this. "Pocket Telephones"??

General Bardak: *pours Connie a large glass of Alvenian Blood Wine* "More Alvenian Blood wine, Connie?"
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:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2010
Connie: “Don’t mind if I do, Al.” *Gulp* “It ain’t Jack, but it gets the job done. Say, did I ever tell you about the time I stopped a swarm of chupacabras from invadin’ America? So there I was, at the Mexican border…”

Thanks for the comment, the fave, and getting my girl liquored-up! :lol:

P.S.: Even though we never finished it, I think I’ll allude to the Iron Heart incident in a future story. Basically, that just means that the story takes place before the Olga/Maia wedding, which makes sense, as Bardak and Connie meet in the Iron Heart tale.
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:iconatomskmaster6:
atomskmaster6 Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2010
General Bardak: *Bardak pours himself a tall glass of Vuterian Tea and keeps pouring her Alvenian Blood Wine while listening to Connie's story*

Your Welcome!!

I sent you a note about the story!!
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:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2010
Connie: “Whuh story’re yous guys talkin’ about?” *Gulps more wine* “I was where, I mean, where was I? Oh yeah, so those chupa-guys kept a comin’, climbing right over the bodies of their own dead… this wine ain’t half bad, Al!” :drunk:

Got the note, thanks. :thumbsup:
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:iconpaudraic:
Paudraic Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Helluva gal.
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:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2010
That she is. :nod: Thanks for reading!
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:iconpathetic-virgin:
Pathetic-Virgin Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2010
It's nice to see Connie riding with Canadian troops.
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:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2010
Connie: “What makes ya think they were Canadian? I don’t remember any of ‘em saying eh or talkin’ about hockey…” :confused:

Well, by her standards, that wasn’t too harsh, so I hope you weren’t offended. ;P (In all seriousness, Connie and I are grateful for Canada’s contribution to the War on Terror.) Thanks a lot for reading and commenting, and the fave is greatly appreciated! :dance:
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:iconleviadragon99:
leviadragon99 Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2010
Huh, interesitngt bit of mythology to go along with that...

:bulletblue:Robin:bulletblue: Interesting... if I could accquire one of those blades, maybe I could negate the energies that infuse it... or put it to better use than assasination.
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:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2010
Connie: “Oh yeah, Robin? Right neighborly of ya, but that blade was blown to bits along with the face of the Arab holdin’ it. I made a toe ring outta some of the shrapnel, though; you can borrow it, if ya want…”

Um, don’t bother, Connie; I’m sure you’ll come across another slash-happy, demonically-infused assassin again any day now.

Thanks--that Zabiha/Ahibaz was just an off the cuff idea, and I’m planning on developing it a bit sometime. I’m thinking that the magic only works when the assassin and the blade are together, and in the process of attacking an infidel. Nice to know that Connie might be able to get some help from Robin if she needs it, as magic is not her specialty. :thumbsup:
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:iconleviadragon99:
leviadragon99 Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2010
:bulletblue:Robin:bulletblue: You... made a ring out of the remains? That... might be a little unwise... though I'd have to brush up middle-eastern situational enchantments to be sure...

Indeed, Robin's always happy to be the go-to person for gettign rid of some of the nastier magics out there... so long as Connie can keep her political views out of it...
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:iconsoviet-superwoman:
Soviet-Superwoman Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2010
I LOVE this image! This has got to be one of my all time favorite images of Connie! :worship:
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:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2010
I hope that wasn’t Sovie talking--she’s a married woman now, and has her own redheaded Amazon for that kinda thing!

Seriously, thanks a lot; don’t tell him this, but Supro needs to charge twice what he does for the stuff he produces. And as always, your fave is greatly appreciated. :dance: And I hope Connie didn’t freak out too many of your guests with her stories…
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:iconsoviet-superwoman:
Soviet-Superwoman Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2010
Do need for worry, I just commissioned him for some items so my lips are sealed. He really does make your gun-loving Conservative look good (not that she didn't already).

Don't worry, I'm not done with Connie and the wedding yet. Still the reception to get through after all. :evillaugh:
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:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2010
:eager: A reception story, huh? I’ve got one in the works, too, and have gotten permission to use two other supers already. For what it’s worth, what do you think of Connie having worn a silver and gray camouflage dress on the big day? It sounds awful at first, but the way I’m picturing it, I think it would actually work.
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:iconsoviet-superwoman:
Soviet-Superwoman Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2010
You know...that actually works for her.
Reply
:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2010
Hey, I do have a fashion sense, after all! :wow: And I forgot to thank you for saying Supro makes Connie look good; Olga’s face in the one he did for you is simply stunning, as well.
Reply
:iconsoviet-superwoman:
Soviet-Superwoman Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2010
Tell me about it! I have that as my current wallpaper. Bloody photo-realistic is what it is! :omg:
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:iconboxeater5:
boxeater5 Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2010
lol pocket telephones...I ALMOST feel bad for Connie...ALMOST, if she spoke more like an educated individual she might get more leeway from me :P

Great story either way and at least we know why Connie was so calm during the wedding, got most of her...problems...taken care of before hand
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:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2010
Hey, Connie’s from a time when field radios were nearly the size of suitcases and had cranks, so cut her some slack, huh? ;) On a completely unrelated topic, Connie is very excited about seeing the new Predator on movie-record when it comes out tomorrow…

And when you say problems, I assume you mean she got the killing out of her system, and not that she and some soldiers… well… you know. :blushes: Whatever you were referring to, thanks a lot for the fave. :w00t:
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:iconboxeater5:
boxeater5 Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2010
Connie is also from the time color pictures were a new technology, but she seems to adapt just fine since it also means all the new guns and toys she gets from it too

I do mostly mean killing, but who knows...Connie is a BIG lady and I am sure she has other 'urges' she hasn't satisfied in awhile ;)
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:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2010
The first time Connie saw an AA-12 in action, I swear I saw a tear in her eye, so yeah, she does appreciate some technology.

When it comes to Connie’s libido, well, I haven’t quite gotten the hang of depicting that. I figure she’s no prude, but, like a good Republican, keeps all that to herself. :shh:
Reply
:iconboxeater5:
boxeater5 Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2010
Hmm...I'll remember that for the future then...and I am sure we both know Connie is hetero

Right right...wasn't that senator who had gay sex in the bathroom a Republican?
Reply
:iconjamese82:
JamesE82 Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2010
100% hetero. :nod: As for that guy, all he did was allegedly tap his foot while in a stall, which is supposed to be the signal that he wanted some… attention. He claims that he only signed the confession to put the mess behind him, but regretted doing so. And, you trouble maker (;P), you’ll notice that he was practically thrown out of the party, and Rush Limbaugh made fun of him on a daily basis; when Barney Frank’s boyfriend gets caught running a male prostitution ring out of Frank’s home, the Democrats circle the wagons and brush it off.

We on the right can get freaky, but generally keep it behind closed doors. Still, there are an awful lot of rumors about Ann Coulter being into S&M…
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